But his mother wants for nothing

While driving to work today I was a taken by a news story on the radio. The story was of the lack of openly gay footballers and the fact that they were rarer than Iranian striptease dance troops. Now the story in itself was about as insightful as one where a fat person can’t get in a seat on a plane and had to pay for two, but it was the reaction of the presenter and the contributor on the phone that caught my attention. The BBC bod seemed incredulous that things like this were happening in this day and age, whereas Max Clifford saw the situation very differently and took a much more practical standpoint. People live in the real world not the middle classed, liberal darling love-in that some might think. Picking up litter and the incorrect use of apostrophes really aren't that important.

If a footballer did come out and openly admitted to being gay his life would become a misery every Saturday around 3pm. The opposition fans would tear him to bits and when he made a mistake the home fans would join in as well. How dreadful you may say, but it’s a fact and short of arresting 23,000 football fans every Saturday afternoon it ain't changing anytime soon. Like it or not football is a working class sport and no matter how many prawn sandwiches they sell and how expensive they make the tickets the majority of the football fans in the ground will either drink Stella, have a tattoo with Mum on it or own a dog that can bite through granite. How about that for a target audience? Also imagine if the player was black as well.

The abuse meted out by the terraces is pretty bad on a good day, the fans will seize on anything to either get under the players skin or make themselves sound ‘ard en tuff. People think that racism has been kicked out of the game; you couldn’t be further from the truth. People don’t chant racist songs anymore because they are all on camera and they’d get booted out double quick, but if a player doesn’t look like they do in the mirror then this is emphasised to everyone listening using a multitude of colourful adjectives added to questions about the heritage of his parents or his ability to perform certain acts on water borne foul. Apparently lacing someone else’s boots is very important here as well. Bigotry is bigotry and if people want to make a point, however crass, they’ll do it from the terraces and no one in a cardigan is going to stop them.

Now poorer, less educated people do it more because they don’t know any better and most don’t care what other people think. If anyone takes umbrage then they’ll just punch them in the face anyway. Rich people on the other hand do care about what other people think because you can’t look down your nose at others if people know your shit stinks like the rest of us. In fact I think this is even more annoying, they should know better. Their parents paid good money sending them to boarding school and all that half of them have to show for it is a silly accent, a refined appreciation of tweed and the ability to bullshit about the quality of post modern cubic purple periods, while eating stupid small sandwiches and quaffing exceedingly expensive bubbly.

 I’m reminded of the sketch with Dudley Moore, Peter Cook and John Cleese and while the world has changed, it hasn’t changed that much. The clothes you wear and the way you talk don't make the man but it sure does fool a lot of people. As I've said before money is just a way of keeping score with people at the top thinking they are better than the rest because with it they can buy things that other rich people think are really important and poorer people envy because it says so in the papers. It does seem that bigotry is one of the few things that does transcend class; doesn't that give you a warm glow.

While we live in a more tolerant age where most people get a much fairer crack of the whip the world is still a hard nosed, nasty place where most people are just looking out for number one and they wouldn't think twice before cutting you up just so they can get 3 feet further down the road. Bigotry is easy, it takes no effort you just shut your eyes and say the first thing that comes into your head. Tolerance and compassion takes a bit of effort that most people would rather spend on something altogether more profitable. 

And another thing; why take the worst Star Wars film and redo it in 3D, it's still going to be average at best, it will just be a bit more bumpy that's all, stupid idea. 

Living in a rolled up newspaper

As you may or not may not know I often find the human race's ability to consume vast amounts of food a matter of some concern and I've often derided our lack of intelligence in many areas including religion, general stupidity and Simon Cowell. Well this morning while driving to the office in my car that turns it's own lights on and starts the windscreen wipers if they are needed I realised that the basic problem we have is life in general is frankly a piece of piss that takes just about zero effort to navigate if you so choose. A rather charming lady contributer on the radio stated that because of marketing and TVs in the bedroom people had it hard and life wasn't easy. Really!

When man first ventured into the upright position life was pretty tough, your cave was pretty spartan, your diet consisted of bushes and berries and there was a good chance that dinner would end up eating you rather than the other way round. I can't imagine a diet of badger and gooseberries was much fun. When the sun went down that was it, nothing to do accept sleep and sex (maybe it wasn't all bad), in the summer your cave wasn't that bad and in the winter it was colder than a polar bear's John Thomas. You were lucky to live to 30 and I understand that Status Quo had their first number one around this time. Life was tough and when I say tough I don't mean slightly over cooked steak tough, I'm talking harder than staying awake during the 5 hour director's cut version of the best of Songs of Praise 1970-1980.

As man became more civilised life became a little easier, you could expect to live a bit longer, as long as you weren't enslaved by a Roman, beheaded by a druid or generally hurt by someone with a bigger group of friends than you with slightly sharper spears. Life was still about surviving the winter, finding enough to eat, not catching some horribly disfiguring disease and staying out of trouble. If you were lucky you didn't have to sleep with the sheep, walk 3 miles for water and the old man knew how to start a fire. If you were unlucky you were French.

Unless you were rich then life in the middle ages was still pretty harsh, if you were lucky you were practically enslaved to a Lord of the Manor, usually with some ponsy French double barrelled title and spent your whole life growing potatoes and reaping corn that his high and mighty would take in exchange for allowing you to live in the dung heap at the bottom of his garden. Sometimes he even left you with enough to eat so you didn't have to get through the winter on nothing but acorns and squirrel shit. If there was a war you were either conscripted into the army and butchered by any number of foul means. If not you were just butchered in your bed when the winners decided some light looting and pillaging was in order. Back then just pray you weren't a woman as Farmer John's one eyed dog had more rights than you.

It's not been until the last 150 years or so that our life expectantacy has really started to increase and this is mainly because life started to get a whole lot easier. The chances are you could find food to eat and usually find somewhere to get out of the rain. Slavery, serfdom and big blokes with big swords were outlawed and if you were lucky you could work down mill 18 hours a day for 2 bob a week. Life is much easier with a full belly and someone to make you better when you're sick. Life is also easier when clever people make machines that do stuff quicker than poor people can and if we're honest that's why Britian is where it is today. As countries go we have been punching above our weight. We were good at thinking up stuff, making it and then turning it into profit. Obviously this was in addition to finding small poor countries with no offensive weapons and moving in, building a couple of dozen schools and a few churchs and pocketing a tidy profit.

So when you hear some liberal lefty, wishy washy, tree loving, never done a decent days work in their life, cardigan wearing academic say life today is really tough you can be sure they are talking out a hole they should be sitting on. In a day when people have motorised salt dispensers, order online anything, remote control everything, home delivery, special delivery, pizza delivery. You don't even have to open tins anymore and if you do find an old tin you just use your automatic can opener, while vegging out in front of your 82" TV in your shell suit that luckily comes in XXXXL sizes now. Life is frankly as easy as the crossword in The Sun with the answers supplied on the next page. I'm sure cyber bullying is serious and causes distress to many but I reckon its a touch easier to deal with than an arrow in the testicles.

I'll leave you with this. They say that where ever you are you are always no more than 12 feet away from a rat. The same can now be said about a Tesco.

Women don't sweat they glow

Okay Christmas is over and so we enter January. January is not exactly the most fun month of the year. It's the month of huge credit card bills, crap weather and stroppy people with way too much on their mind. If you're going to have a barney with the other half then this is when it's likely to happen, if you don't want to get into one of those pointless arguments then please heed some of the points below, they aren't the be-all and end-all, but after 25 years of dodging argumentative better halves these are some of the obvious things that we completely forget when the red mist descends.

Women listen to what you are saying and remember everything that can be used in evidence against you. Where you store football stats they store argument ammo. Never get suckered into saying "O yeah when was that then?" They know exactly when including every detail right down to what you were wearing and what else you forgot that day.

When a man says yes he just means yes, nothing more nothing less. Ladies if you want a job done a certain way and at a certain time then you need to stipulate this in the official negotiations. As I've mentioned before men can't read minds, they are too busy thinking about sex.

If you don't follow the rules above then you doing the job yourself is against said rules and does give his royal highness the morale high ground. Men like rules, it makes them feel as clever as women.

Men keep score and yes, everything is a game with winners and more importantly losers.

Flowers don't cure everything, but it's as close as you can get without spending more than £450. There are some rules to flowers and they are very important to remember. Firstly never skimp on cheap flowers. A crap bouquet makes it look like you just rushed out to Tesco because you forgot again. Secondly never give flowers to soften bad news, this will make her suspicious every time you give flowers and negates their 'in her good-books' bonus affect. And lastly flowers aren't foreplay, you still have to make a bit of an effort. Think of them as a good start.

Men will answer the question you just asked not the one that's coming next or the question you wanted to ask, but didn't want to hear the answer to.

If the bed clothes have just been changed then sex is out of the question, flowers may help, but the chances are still slim. First use of the fresh clean bed is her right, you got peeing standing up. On a positive note this will be classed as a non detrimental PlayStation night and can't be used against you at a later time.

When women speak about shoes, substitute the word need for the word want and pretend you're talking about a new 50" widescreen TV, it will make much more sense then.

Highest scores aren't sexy, they just mean you've wasted time that could have been better utilised doing jobs you knew nothing about unless you'd asked, which by the way you should have done last week.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

When a women says she has nothing to wear any comment regarding the size of the wardrobe and the mountain of items hanging in them is highly inadvisable and any follow-on action you receive by way of punishment is your own fault, you should have known better. This is a highly dangerous situation with just about every answer you give being the wrong one. I have listed some possible answers and the likely responses below

How about that dress I bought you?
No it's a size too small, it makes me look fat!
What about the dress you wore last week?
Really, last week, do you hate me that much now, it's because I'm fat isn't it?
How about something loose fitting and comfortable
What, are you saying I'm fat?
How about that little black number?
I can't fit in it at the moment, I've eaten too much at Christmas and it's not killer whale size you idiot!
I'm happy with you in anything babe?
So you don't care that I look fat?
I love you the way you are
What, fat!
I love you!
Even though I'm fat
*silence*
You used to care when I wasn't so fat
Basically you're screwed, she's in a mood anyway so just take the punishment like a grown up your strop won't help, man up and move on.

So just remember, both of you, that what you say and what you hear isn't the same as what they said or what they meant. The truth is somewhere in the middle but, if in doubt, she was right.

A Hamper Full of Honesty

They say it's as obvious as the nose on your face but sometimes the truth is easy to miss because you were too busy doing something more fun at the time. Below are some of those things that you know are true but have never taken the time to actually think about. Please remember that these are generalisations so while they may not apply to you (yes they do you just can't admit it) they will be applicable to most of the others.

Men are simple creatures, if you want the washing up done just ask, don't ask if we have anything planned later or some shit like that. Another thing, just because you left it on the stairs that doesn't mean we know you want it taken up them. We can't read your minds ladies, you are way too complicated.

Boasting about your dishwasher stacking skills or your highest snooker break does not excite the opposite sex, your wife humours you because you fathered her children.

This usually applies to any fishing related story as well.

Men would like to look like George Clooney rather than George Foreman. People don't want to be fat they just can't say no to pies and beer. Being massively overweight is just a middle aged man's admission that the only way to get sex from now on is to pay for it.

Yes for the 14th time you had to be there for it to be funny and if I had to be there then the story is just a waste of 53 seconds of my life.

The next time you can't understand why the wife doesn't want to have sex again, call up your 18 stone, big boned, grey haired balding mate and get him to come round and lie on you, wiggle around a bit and lick your face for 107 seconds. See how that makes you feel? Hint - go to the gym. And those favourite trousers that you wear around the house all the time need to go in the bin.

Comfortable means less sex.

Women need to feel loved and appreciated. They want to feel a warm glow that comes from a partner that will protect and provide for them while always being there to listen and support them emotionally. Women like to feel secure and feel the attention of a considerate soul mate. Men just need to feel your lips around his cock.

Listening does involve actually putting your paper down and looking at the person that is talking to you. This is important if you don't want your toothbrush accidentally dropped in the toilet without your knowledge again.

Always use your partners toothbrush.

Thrusting your groin into the small of a woman's back isn't foreplay. This truth is suspended for a single 2 week period per year but this exclusion only applies to those at a holiday destination. This period starts as soon as you enter any airport terminal and ends when the 14 days are up or when you spend your last Euro.

If you keep voting then Simon Cowell will keep making this rubbish.

Being famous doesn't make you a good role model, it just means you sell more magazines.

All tattoos look shit on wrinkly skin.

Throughout history when people didn't understand they just blamed God. He seems to be less in demand these days that's all.

Intelligent design is complete rubbish, if God designed us in His own image then please explain Bella Emberg and what a hiccup is for?

Sin feels good straight away, the benefits from being nice can't usually be spent at Marks & Spencers.

The bible isn't a factual historical guide to the early years of mankind, it's a group of stories, tales and fables passed down by word of mouth around campfires over many decades. After a while people got bored of remembering stuff so they wrote it down for safe keeping. How am I sure it's not factually accurate? 2 reasons. 1 History is written by the victors and they always over egg it and 2. Have you ever played Chinese whispers?

And finally, you can't disprove that God didn't create the universe in a week in the same way that scientists can't seem to agree on their version of events. You might want to start being nice to others and at least hedge your bets.

Merry Christmas

Einstein these aren't the droids you're looking for

Well in the words of the most famous scientist of all time Montgomery Scott "you canna change the laws of physics Jim!" When these words are uttered in 250 years time you will hope that by then we will have got our shit together because at the moment, apparently you can change them on a regular basis and apparently getting them wrong is actually more exciting then getting them right. Well at the moment the science types are getting a lot of air time because some Bozo and his mate Charlie Higson are having a dog party or some crazy stuff like that. Anyway they're getting excited because they have either found some tiny piece of almost nothing that is really important when you do maths with letters, OR they've wasted the last 50 years looking for something that was made up in a cider fuelled spin the bottle party when Robert Brout told Peter Higgs he had either insert the bottle in his anus or make up a law based on something no one could prove was wrong.

So in light of all that science and stuff  and following on from my bible the shortened version I've compiled my Big Science using Small Words.

So let's start at the beginning...

The big bang - the beginning of the universe. There was nothing and an instant later everything existed. Imagine a cheap magician making a dove appear from under a handkerchief, but it's a really big handkerchief. The scientists reckon this happened in the blink of an eye which just seems like one up manship on the Christians who believe God took 6 days. The big bang is technically classed as our best guess, but as no one had tickets for the event we can't be sure what actually happened.

The speed of light - the clue is in the name and it's hair straightingly fast, seriously moving, the numbers are pointlessly big. It took Man around 4 days to travel to the Moon and they were motoring, going faster than anything before or since. It takes light about 1.2 seconds to make the trip. Nothing can travel faster than this speed cos Einstein said so, apparently little pieces of stuff fired across Europe this year weren't listening and they seem to have broken the speed limit. They are either very naughty or the scientist didn't count properly.

The Universe - aka everything, the whole shooting match. Age around 16 billion years if you wear a lab coat or less than 6000 years if you're Jewish. Now I'm no expert but I reckon one is much closer than the other and I'm going for the ones that don't believe Noah got 2 of every animal onto just one boat. Size is classified as flipping gigantic, even larger than Simon Cowell's bank balance. Basically so big we haven't got a clue, so every couple of years we increase our guess, but frankly its a whopper.

A Star - Our sun is a star and a star is really just a massive pile of stuff crammed into a really small space. It's like taking everything you own and stuffing it all in your ear. There is so much stuff all close together that the pressure makes it catch on fire. It's like when you stop your wife from buying shoes. The pressure builds up so much that eventually she blows her top at you and then smolders about it for ages. The sun has got the hump and this cob on will last for around 8 billion years, slightly less than the average married woman.

Super Nova - This is a star that has exploded. Imagine the wife just after the whole shoes thing and just as she's in full melt down you tell her you slept with her sister. This is a super nova, only the biggest suns go out like this, most just get over it and calm down. These go out in a blaze of glory, so remember never upset a fat bird, the damage could be immense.

Black Hole - This is a star that is so heavy and so dense that nothing not even light can escape its gravity and everything gets sucked into it. It's very much like the local barmaid and her unfanthanably large GG breasts. She's definitely over 17 stone with a cleavage longer than Southend pier, you try not to look, but no matter what you do they suck you in. Black holes are pretty much the harbingers of death and destruction, but no one knows where the hole goes and frankly who cares, but I bet the neighbours are horrible.

Dark Matter - a few years back some geek type decided to calculate the weight of the entire universe, obviously a slow day on World of Warcraft. He found that it was a lot lot lighter than it should have been, in fact they couldn't account for 83% of everything! So they decided there was this stuff, that you can't see, measure or detect and it was in the holes in all the normal stuff like arses and muffin tops. This may have caused the current obesity problem. The brainiacs also suggested that this was why they couldn't get their sums right on gravity as well. How convenient.

Dark Energy - Now all the physics types were happy that the big bang guess thing was right. Everyone thought the biggest explosion of all time would, like all other exploding type events started off big and loud and get less powerful and slowed down as time went on? Well when the uber-geeks found out that the the opposite was happening they shit a brick. So they decided there must be something out there mucking up their sums again. Queue dark energy and, guess what, it can't be seen or detected in anyway. I see a pattern forming here and it's a bit fishy.

The Higgs Boson - This is a tiny weeny particle that doesn't do much but if we can find it then all the scientists can say 'I told you so'. This is the main reason we've been smashing stuff into each other in a mountain in France. If not found soon the clever crew will have to start their blah blah from scratch and we'll be asking for our £25 billion back.

The Higgs Field - This is basically the force, but without the ability to lift heavy rocks or influence storm troopers. Scientists decided that none of their other guesses, sorry theories worked without some new force that gave everything mass. So the next time you are on the scales and you're concerned about the mass in your trousers its Mr Boson's fault not those 4 chocolate eclairs.

Warp Factor 10 - This is a myth and not even achievable by 25th century technology. If Scotty couldn't do it then no one can, not even the black dude with the air filter stuck to his head can nail this baby.

So as you see there's a lot of guess work, theories and predictions in all this supposed scientific knowledge and believing in it takes a leap of faith which is very similar to being a devout believer in one of less than credible mainstream religions. Just goes to show you can't always trust a man who dresses funny and says the truth is in his book.

Who was the man from Del Monte?

"Just Say No" was the snappy slogan that headed up the push in the 1980's and then the 1990's to stop American teenagers taking drugs. It crossed the Atlantic as well and I was struck by just how pathetic it's impact has been. This is shown by the ever increasing levels of drug taking, which is not surprising really considering it was middle aged men in suits or cheery faced smiling youth workers that were pushing it. But the emphasis is heightened further as it seems that parents of today, the teenagers of yesterday, have completely lost the ability to say NO. We can say fuck and shit, wanking and other forms of self gratification are happily conversed about now, with bum sex and uphill gardening a constant source of mirth and frivolity, but we just can't say NO. We have somehow lost the ability to upset others by just saying that today you can't have all 5 chocolate eclairs or you don't actually need another 32" TV in your bedroom because the other one is the wrong colour.

Our ever expanding waistlines are a true indictment of our inability to refuse the last 17 Rolos in this cleverly marketed sharing packet. Who's sharing? No one because your partner currently has their face in an over sized bucket of slightly sweetened popcorn, soon to be washed down by a pitcher of arse widening sparkling beverage. Yes, I know this in itself is just a treat and we all deserve a treat from time to time and yes I do exactly the same, but did you really need that stupendously long hot dog and cheese top nachos as well? No you didn't, your belt didn't and the poor seat at e4 definitely didn't.  Why do we do it, why do we spend ridiculously large amounts of cash on over priced shit just because the big sign said we could save 70p on a number 2 meal deal. It's the cinema, not a reasonable priced food outlet that you will be heading to once the film is done. And another thing who invented those resealable bags for sweets, possibly the least used invention since Clive Sinclair decided we all needed a battery powered tricycle, what a cock.

Our belly bulging credit card limits also prove our complete inability to say no. Perhaps it's the bright lights again and the chance of a bargain but we just can't say no to a good old spend up at the local Mecca to consumerism. I'm a man of 41 who has never spent massive amounts on clothes and I do throw out stuff I don't wear any more and I've managed to amass 84 assorted shirts, tops and T shirts in my wardrobe. How did that happen, Christ knows, although he is busy at the moment so I'm not expecting an answer. I can see the logic being played out in the minds of lady shoppers everywhere. I've got a coat, in fact I've got 4 coats, actually I've got one very much like this but in a slightly darker shade of blue. Now the credit card statement came in last week and I'm almost up to my limit, but not quite. Christmas is coming up and everyone is coming over for dinner so that's going to cost a pretty penny and I'm still waiting for the vet bill to come through. This is a really really nice coat should I buy it?

The answer should be screaming in her head;
 NO BLOODY NO, DON'T DO IT, PUT DOWN THE COAT AND MOVE AWAY TO THE NEAREST EXIT. THIS IS NOT A TEST. I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A TEST MOVE AWAY FROM THE ITEM MADAM.

 What actually happens is the little voice in her head says:
 If you buy it now then you'll save your husband £80, isn't that nice of you. Please ignore the fact that if you didn't buy it you would save him £100 more and it's going to sit in the wardrobe unworn until at least 2014. This is not important, what is important is you will feel great for at least the next hour, it's the latest John blah Di blah Blah and Julie will be sooo jealous. If  your hubby does kick up a fuss he'll soon forget all about it if you offer him a blow job.

Does madam required the hanger and we could offer you a further 10% off if you opened an account with us today?

The final area of "NO" apathy is the whole children thing. I consider myself to be working class. I work, my wife works to pay the bills, my mum has worked all her life and my dad has had a series of non skilled jobs throughout his working life. I earn slightly more than the average wage and I can't afford to go on a foreign holiday every summer. To me this is working class. Most of my friends, acquaintances, family members and other assorted knowns are either similarly well off with the odd middle class couple thrown in for good measure. Sorry being from Canvey means you can never be middle class, you're working class like me.

I am truly astounded by people's inability to tell their kids no or no you can't. People just can't do it. They must think that saying no is tantamount to child abuse, no, feeding a fat kid McDonalds every week is child abuse. Saying no creates boundaries and kids need boundaries to grow and mature. Yes every so often the little cherubs of sweetness and love will push on these boundaries to see how far they can flex their muscles, but for god sake we're in charge not them. 8 year olds playing call of duty is not only illegal but downright dangerous. 11 year olds that can't use a knife and fork is truly embarrassing and 7 year olds eating crisps followed by sweets and a lolly before 10 in the morning, just because they asked twice and you want an easy life is complete abdication of a parent's responsibility to look after their child. Kids that only eat chicken nuggets or hot dogs and no vegetables is a joke, make them eat them, trust me no child ever died of stubbornness. They will eat them if they are hungry. Children tell their parents NO and ignore whatever they say, so kids can do it so why can't mummy and daddy? This is proof that parents sometimes don't know what's best for their kids.

The problem is all these are things I see each week, time and time again and the terrifying thing is I'm not exaggerating any of these for once. People just can't say NO. We need to start taking responsibility for our actions, we need to start doing what's right and not what's easy and we need to show our kids by deed and action what is right what is wrong, what is acceptable and what is just for monkey's or the French.

I'll leave you with this thought; no one is impressed with dishwasher stacking and anyone who thinks they have a skill in this area is massively diminshing their chances of having sex with a woman.

Garlic Eclairs and Bratwurst Everyone?

Every 5 years or so we elect members of Parliament to try and run the country for us and while I'm sure they go there with the best intentions, party politics always seems to get in the way and we never seem to get what we want. MPs are and I'm quoting from the MP's own website here

The UK public elects Members of Parliament (MPs) to represent their interests and concerns in the House of Commons.

Seems pretty straight forward to me but it's an absolute no no for MPs from either side of the political divide to agree even when the truth is so obvious it's painted on Rudolf's red nose in fluorescent yellow paint. Even if 99% of the population think it's a good idea they have to argue the toss because if they don't Mr Whip will come down very hard on them. Although quite a few MPs have been known to enjoy such attention. How about we get told the truth, not their twisted version. Stop moaning and tell us straight.

 I've heard so much hot air about this EU agreement that we have decided to give the two fingers to that I thought I better find out a little bit about it. So after literally minutes of hard reading I came across a couple of basic summaries that highlight what it's all about. Below I have put together a simple explanation.

The new treaty is being put in place to bring all the countries closer together financially with lots of strict new rules that are very much like the original rules that were put in place when the Euro was set up. The rules that just about everyone ignored. Firstly

• a cap of 0.5% of GDP on countries' annual structural deficits - this basically means someone in a posh office in Belgium is going to tell you how much you can spend to sort out your issues, but that's okay because no one will listen anyway. In the original treaty to set up the Euro countries had to have their GDP below 60% or on a downward trend. Italy has never met this requirement, but they make nice pizza.
• "automatic consequences" for countries whose public deficit exceeds 3% of GDP - this is exactly the same as the original criteria for joining the Euro except for the adding of the "automatic consequences" whatever they might be? Maybe more expensive suits in France and Belgium jumping up and down while everyone just ignores them, but this time using long swear words that translate to inserting man sausage in tea towel holders.
• the tighter rules to be enshrined in countries' constitutions - This is a great one, this means everyone in Europe agrees to change their local laws to allow unelected bureaucrats from some faceless European body to tell you how to spend your money. It's like the bloke from number 6 knocking on your door and telling you to sell your new winter coat because it's posher than his. He's definitely getting a punch on the nose. 
• European Stability Mechanism (ESM) to be accelerated and brought into force in July 2012 - Yep lets give more money to countries who are so far in debt that they've run out of digits on their calculators and let's do it quicker.
• adequacy of 500bn-euro (£427bn; $666bn) limit for ESM to be reassessed - basically we have no idea how much money we want to chuck at this problem before we call it a day so how about we just double it and see what happens.
• Eurozone and other EU countries to provide up to 200bn euros to the IMF to help debt-stricken eurozone members - Yep please give us even more money and we'll spend it wisely, honestly, would we lie to you, remembering that the EU often forgets to publish it's own accounts as they fiddle on a monstrous scale. So badly that their own internal audit office said you couldn't trust the numbers they were producing.

To paraphrase even further they want us to agree to to give the EU a lot more money and very soon, while spending our money the EU is going to tell us how to spend the money that's left and change our laws to stop us from saying no. You wouldn't touch this deal with a barge pole because it's bollocks. We are currently in a bad place because we've decided to do something about our debt before the shit hits the fan and we have to beg someone else to bail us out.

As one of the EU prime ministers put it, we wanted more Europe and 1 country, us, want less. Too bloody right. So if a Frenchman knocks on your door this week and asks to borrow your life savings so he can buy 19 gallons of Greek yogurt, 16 four leaf clovers and 406 pepperoni pizzas my advise would be to kick him in the crown jewels.