As I flick through the 423 million sky channels I often stop my perusing at the news channels, I like to know what's going on in the world. It's good to have something to talk about, something other than the usual trot of Simon Cowell wannabes, Katie Price relationships and what bottle Kerry Katona has been poured out of this week. It's good to know the important stuff, the news that actually makes a difference not the location of David Beckham's next tattoo or the secret life of the last person to be voted off master chef. Do I really care that Bob McNobody used to stick carrots up his arse live on Turkish TV in the early 70's.
The old adage still holds true that no news is good news and bad news makes good news. There is no getting away from the fact that death and destruction will always get a higher profile than record fluffy animal rescues by the brave men of blue watch, Bury St. Edmonds. We just love a bit of doom and gloom, perhaps it's because we want to empathise with those in trouble, more likely we need to know that there are others in the world that are as unhappy as us and that god dumps on all of his chosen children. The main stay of the News at Ten is the much trusted and ever reliable expert. When there's a subject that the average beer drinking, tabloid reading, shaved monkey can't understand they trot out some professor of blah blah blah from just outside civilisation or the channels chief correspondent on inter dimensional travel in post modern art to explain the issue at hand in words of less than three syllables. Exactly how many hacks does the BBC need? The thing is do some of these subjects really need an expert to describe the blatantly obvious to us? When you cut through the bullshit and fancy words the issues and solutions are pretty straight forward.
The biggest subject at the moment is the fact that we are all skint and lots of people are losing their jobs. What caused the global crash? In simple terms a bunch of rich stupid people who wanted to get even richer believed a bunch of number crunching nerds when they said they could make money out of thin air. They forgot the basic fact that if a bank lends you money they will actually want their money back at some stage and if you lend people money perhaps it would be a good idea to check that they have a job and can pay it back.
Supposedly the country is now pot less and it's all so very complicated. No it's not, it's really very simple indeed. The so called experts will tell you that running the country is not like running a home. Rubbish, it's exactly the same, things just happen over longer periods of time that's all. Simple logic tells you that you can't continually spend more money than you earn. If you spend more than you earn then you have to use your credit card and once you max it out you're skint and in the shit. If you have 5 credit cards maxed out then your interest repayments take up all your money and you have absolutely no money to spend at all. Welcome to our current situation, hundreds of millions of pounds a month going straight into the bank accounts of the royal families of Oilistan. Basically we've only been paying off the minimum payment on the credit card, the rent's gone up, we are now only working part time at Pets R Us, the food bills have gone through the roof and the wife crashed the car into next doors Aston Martin DB-expensive and the garage have demanded your kidney in payment for the repair bill. The picture is as bleak as a winters day on a polar ice cap.
The thing is we can't complain because we had the money and we spent it, most of it before we earned it, we enjoyed it and rode the gravy train happily while it lasted. Exactly how many notches does this belt go in? Please could everyone remember this simple guide to macro economics for next time, write it down and keep it somewhere safe. Then when things are all rosy in the garden please send it to whatever thieving bastard is running the exchequer. When your income outstrips your out goings how about sticking some of the extra money in the bank for a rainy day. It always rains, maybe not today, maybe not next week, but it will start pissing it down at some stage. If some fat Scottish cyclops tells you otherwise, that he's made rain a thing of the past don't listen to him, he's lying and needs to be tarred and feathered and sent home on the back of a small pony. When you hear the pitter-patter of tiny rain drops on your window and your outgoings becoming larger than your income you can go to your little pot of money and that will tied you over until the sun comes out. How very very simple.
Last month everyone was banging on about all these unemployed students with degrees and how things were worse than ever. Of course there are more unemployed work shy workbook wonders now and it doesn't take a genius or an expert (does that quotation finger gesture thing) to work out why. It's because there are tens of thousands of under 25's with degrees in David Beckham's hairdos or the relative popularity of Darth Vader's helmet. Yep that's got all those blue chip CEO's moist in their pants. When I was young only the posh and really gifted went to Uni, the rest of us went to college or to a polytechnic where we smoked pot with the local goths for two years. A few years back we had a great idea, close all the colleges and open them the next day as universities, then everyone can have a degree. I actually know someone who is at university because he couldn't find a job, not even at McDonald's and he had nothing better to do. I reckon if we shaved him properly even he could be a TV expert.
So I leave you with this thought, beware of so called experts, if it looks like a dog and barks like a dog then it probably isn't a greater spotted patagonian mountain goat.
