But his mother wants for nothing

While driving to work today I was a taken by a news story on the radio. The story was of the lack of openly gay footballers and the fact that they were rarer than Iranian striptease dance troops. Now the story in itself was about as insightful as one where a fat person can’t get in a seat on a plane and had to pay for two, but it was the reaction of the presenter and the contributor on the phone that caught my attention. The BBC bod seemed incredulous that things like this were happening in this day and age, whereas Max Clifford saw the situation very differently and took a much more practical standpoint. People live in the real world not the middle classed, liberal darling love-in that some might think. Picking up litter and the incorrect use of apostrophes really aren't that important.

If a footballer did come out and openly admitted to being gay his life would become a misery every Saturday around 3pm. The opposition fans would tear him to bits and when he made a mistake the home fans would join in as well. How dreadful you may say, but it’s a fact and short of arresting 23,000 football fans every Saturday afternoon it ain't changing anytime soon. Like it or not football is a working class sport and no matter how many prawn sandwiches they sell and how expensive they make the tickets the majority of the football fans in the ground will either drink Stella, have a tattoo with Mum on it or own a dog that can bite through granite. How about that for a target audience? Also imagine if the player was black as well.

The abuse meted out by the terraces is pretty bad on a good day, the fans will seize on anything to either get under the players skin or make themselves sound ‘ard en tuff. People think that racism has been kicked out of the game; you couldn’t be further from the truth. People don’t chant racist songs anymore because they are all on camera and they’d get booted out double quick, but if a player doesn’t look like they do in the mirror then this is emphasised to everyone listening using a multitude of colourful adjectives added to questions about the heritage of his parents or his ability to perform certain acts on water borne foul. Apparently lacing someone else’s boots is very important here as well. Bigotry is bigotry and if people want to make a point, however crass, they’ll do it from the terraces and no one in a cardigan is going to stop them.

Now poorer, less educated people do it more because they don’t know any better and most don’t care what other people think. If anyone takes umbrage then they’ll just punch them in the face anyway. Rich people on the other hand do care about what other people think because you can’t look down your nose at others if people know your shit stinks like the rest of us. In fact I think this is even more annoying, they should know better. Their parents paid good money sending them to boarding school and all that half of them have to show for it is a silly accent, a refined appreciation of tweed and the ability to bullshit about the quality of post modern cubic purple periods, while eating stupid small sandwiches and quaffing exceedingly expensive bubbly.

 I’m reminded of the sketch with Dudley Moore, Peter Cook and John Cleese and while the world has changed, it hasn’t changed that much. The clothes you wear and the way you talk don't make the man but it sure does fool a lot of people. As I've said before money is just a way of keeping score with people at the top thinking they are better than the rest because with it they can buy things that other rich people think are really important and poorer people envy because it says so in the papers. It does seem that bigotry is one of the few things that does transcend class; doesn't that give you a warm glow.

While we live in a more tolerant age where most people get a much fairer crack of the whip the world is still a hard nosed, nasty place where most people are just looking out for number one and they wouldn't think twice before cutting you up just so they can get 3 feet further down the road. Bigotry is easy, it takes no effort you just shut your eyes and say the first thing that comes into your head. Tolerance and compassion takes a bit of effort that most people would rather spend on something altogether more profitable. 

And another thing; why take the worst Star Wars film and redo it in 3D, it's still going to be average at best, it will just be a bit more bumpy that's all, stupid idea. 

Living in a rolled up newspaper

As you may or not may not know I often find the human race's ability to consume vast amounts of food a matter of some concern and I've often derided our lack of intelligence in many areas including religion, general stupidity and Simon Cowell. Well this morning while driving to the office in my car that turns it's own lights on and starts the windscreen wipers if they are needed I realised that the basic problem we have is life in general is frankly a piece of piss that takes just about zero effort to navigate if you so choose. A rather charming lady contributer on the radio stated that because of marketing and TVs in the bedroom people had it hard and life wasn't easy. Really!

When man first ventured into the upright position life was pretty tough, your cave was pretty spartan, your diet consisted of bushes and berries and there was a good chance that dinner would end up eating you rather than the other way round. I can't imagine a diet of badger and gooseberries was much fun. When the sun went down that was it, nothing to do accept sleep and sex (maybe it wasn't all bad), in the summer your cave wasn't that bad and in the winter it was colder than a polar bear's John Thomas. You were lucky to live to 30 and I understand that Status Quo had their first number one around this time. Life was tough and when I say tough I don't mean slightly over cooked steak tough, I'm talking harder than staying awake during the 5 hour director's cut version of the best of Songs of Praise 1970-1980.

As man became more civilised life became a little easier, you could expect to live a bit longer, as long as you weren't enslaved by a Roman, beheaded by a druid or generally hurt by someone with a bigger group of friends than you with slightly sharper spears. Life was still about surviving the winter, finding enough to eat, not catching some horribly disfiguring disease and staying out of trouble. If you were lucky you didn't have to sleep with the sheep, walk 3 miles for water and the old man knew how to start a fire. If you were unlucky you were French.

Unless you were rich then life in the middle ages was still pretty harsh, if you were lucky you were practically enslaved to a Lord of the Manor, usually with some ponsy French double barrelled title and spent your whole life growing potatoes and reaping corn that his high and mighty would take in exchange for allowing you to live in the dung heap at the bottom of his garden. Sometimes he even left you with enough to eat so you didn't have to get through the winter on nothing but acorns and squirrel shit. If there was a war you were either conscripted into the army and butchered by any number of foul means. If not you were just butchered in your bed when the winners decided some light looting and pillaging was in order. Back then just pray you weren't a woman as Farmer John's one eyed dog had more rights than you.

It's not been until the last 150 years or so that our life expectantacy has really started to increase and this is mainly because life started to get a whole lot easier. The chances are you could find food to eat and usually find somewhere to get out of the rain. Slavery, serfdom and big blokes with big swords were outlawed and if you were lucky you could work down mill 18 hours a day for 2 bob a week. Life is much easier with a full belly and someone to make you better when you're sick. Life is also easier when clever people make machines that do stuff quicker than poor people can and if we're honest that's why Britian is where it is today. As countries go we have been punching above our weight. We were good at thinking up stuff, making it and then turning it into profit. Obviously this was in addition to finding small poor countries with no offensive weapons and moving in, building a couple of dozen schools and a few churchs and pocketing a tidy profit.

So when you hear some liberal lefty, wishy washy, tree loving, never done a decent days work in their life, cardigan wearing academic say life today is really tough you can be sure they are talking out a hole they should be sitting on. In a day when people have motorised salt dispensers, order online anything, remote control everything, home delivery, special delivery, pizza delivery. You don't even have to open tins anymore and if you do find an old tin you just use your automatic can opener, while vegging out in front of your 82" TV in your shell suit that luckily comes in XXXXL sizes now. Life is frankly as easy as the crossword in The Sun with the answers supplied on the next page. I'm sure cyber bullying is serious and causes distress to many but I reckon its a touch easier to deal with than an arrow in the testicles.

I'll leave you with this. They say that where ever you are you are always no more than 12 feet away from a rat. The same can now be said about a Tesco.

Women don't sweat they glow

Okay Christmas is over and so we enter January. January is not exactly the most fun month of the year. It's the month of huge credit card bills, crap weather and stroppy people with way too much on their mind. If you're going to have a barney with the other half then this is when it's likely to happen, if you don't want to get into one of those pointless arguments then please heed some of the points below, they aren't the be-all and end-all, but after 25 years of dodging argumentative better halves these are some of the obvious things that we completely forget when the red mist descends.

Women listen to what you are saying and remember everything that can be used in evidence against you. Where you store football stats they store argument ammo. Never get suckered into saying "O yeah when was that then?" They know exactly when including every detail right down to what you were wearing and what else you forgot that day.

When a man says yes he just means yes, nothing more nothing less. Ladies if you want a job done a certain way and at a certain time then you need to stipulate this in the official negotiations. As I've mentioned before men can't read minds, they are too busy thinking about sex.

If you don't follow the rules above then you doing the job yourself is against said rules and does give his royal highness the morale high ground. Men like rules, it makes them feel as clever as women.

Men keep score and yes, everything is a game with winners and more importantly losers.

Flowers don't cure everything, but it's as close as you can get without spending more than £450. There are some rules to flowers and they are very important to remember. Firstly never skimp on cheap flowers. A crap bouquet makes it look like you just rushed out to Tesco because you forgot again. Secondly never give flowers to soften bad news, this will make her suspicious every time you give flowers and negates their 'in her good-books' bonus affect. And lastly flowers aren't foreplay, you still have to make a bit of an effort. Think of them as a good start.

Men will answer the question you just asked not the one that's coming next or the question you wanted to ask, but didn't want to hear the answer to.

If the bed clothes have just been changed then sex is out of the question, flowers may help, but the chances are still slim. First use of the fresh clean bed is her right, you got peeing standing up. On a positive note this will be classed as a non detrimental PlayStation night and can't be used against you at a later time.

When women speak about shoes, substitute the word need for the word want and pretend you're talking about a new 50" widescreen TV, it will make much more sense then.

Highest scores aren't sexy, they just mean you've wasted time that could have been better utilised doing jobs you knew nothing about unless you'd asked, which by the way you should have done last week.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

When a women says she has nothing to wear any comment regarding the size of the wardrobe and the mountain of items hanging in them is highly inadvisable and any follow-on action you receive by way of punishment is your own fault, you should have known better. This is a highly dangerous situation with just about every answer you give being the wrong one. I have listed some possible answers and the likely responses below

How about that dress I bought you?
No it's a size too small, it makes me look fat!
What about the dress you wore last week?
Really, last week, do you hate me that much now, it's because I'm fat isn't it?
How about something loose fitting and comfortable
What, are you saying I'm fat?
How about that little black number?
I can't fit in it at the moment, I've eaten too much at Christmas and it's not killer whale size you idiot!
I'm happy with you in anything babe?
So you don't care that I look fat?
I love you the way you are
What, fat!
I love you!
Even though I'm fat
*silence*
You used to care when I wasn't so fat
Basically you're screwed, she's in a mood anyway so just take the punishment like a grown up your strop won't help, man up and move on.

So just remember, both of you, that what you say and what you hear isn't the same as what they said or what they meant. The truth is somewhere in the middle but, if in doubt, she was right.