So as I start to pen this tome I'm a little short of things to say, basically I've been stuck inside for a few days because we've had an early winter bout of snow. The media was all a buzz with stories of freak this and abnormal that, strange sights and miracle like events, the earliest snow fall since, wait for it, 1993! I mean it's not exactly a long time is it. I haven't played an LP since 1993 and come to think of it the last time I let my hair grow long was about then as well. Perhaps there is not a lot going on in the world, one of those no news days when a cat stuck in a tree in Swindon gets on the local BBC news at 6. Perhaps not, frankly there's enough bad news around to keep Natasha Kaplinsky at her desk for hours on end. Where do you start?
Well south Asia is on the brink of war, the Koreans have got the hump with each other, again. You ate my dog, you ate my goat, my mass synchronised dancing is better than yours, I've got high speed broadband you haven't, ner nerdie ner ner, you shelled your town, I've invited the Yanks around with there big boats to shout "My dad is harder than your dad" over the fence. Slightly more important than the average snow fall in Essex in the 90's.
The fact that the Irish economy is about to implode and if it does then the whole Euro-zone adventure is going to come crashing down around our ears is a bit more concerning than welly high snow drifts in Dover. Now I know we are not in the Euro, but we need to get a few things into perspective. The Euro-zone is our biggest export market and if the rest of Europe doesn't have any money then who's going to buy our jet engineers, sports cars and spend £10 on plastic Beefeaters outside the tower of London. If the Celtic Tiger gets mange then Britain will be awash with Boy bands, ditch diggers and cheap labourers. What are all the Eastern Europeans going to do, there'll be riots at Nettos across the country, you'll be able to get a plumber around on the day you phone them and the cross rail project will be completed 2 years ahead of target and at a cost of £18.47. Basically chaos.
I'm sure that most people would agree that the fact that the country owes around £1 trillion is a touch more vexing then black ice in Basildon. The numbers are so big as to make no sense what so ever. If you counted to 1 million and you counted 1 number every second it would take you 11.5 days to finish. To count to 1 trillion would take 32,000 years. The government has cut £80 billion from the budget and this is just to claw back what we overspent this year. We've maxed out our Barclaycard, got one of those MBNA ones as well and done that one too. We've had a knock on the door from the bailiffs and if we don't pay up now they're going to take our Wide screen TV, X Box, IPod and the BMW.
Apparently 24 FIFA officials pocketing $100M is less important than comedy snowmen in Scotland. A bunch of corrupt officials that hold the key to around £3 Billion of profit and just because Mr Blatter wants it to go to Russia then it will. The fact that if you win the bid you have to agree to not levy any tax what so ever on FIFA, FIFA's mates and their related football businesses. Plus you have to suspend any workers rights including the minimum wage. They are so bent they can see round corners, if you can get Jack Warner to agree to your bid then you get his two mates as well. I wonder how much they charge.
Now I know weather is a national obsession but come on we have snow every year and we arse it up every year, the roads will jam, the trains will run but no one will be able to get to the stations, the airports will be slightly put out, people will panic and buy loads of bread and milk but lets get it into context, we had a bit of snow in November big deal.
Also what happened to global warming? I thought I was set to enjoy Mediterranean type sunshine, eating dinner on the decking sipping Chianti, eating olives, having long afternoon naps and having my sons chase forgein skirt around the local nightclubs till 4am every night. Guess they'll need to rethink that won't they. Oh that's right they did, after things didn't warm up overnight and the evidence didn't add up, the so called experts decided that global warming didn't mean it would actually get warmer, but we would just get more extreme weather phenomenons. Not so bloody expert after all.
Just like the ever so intelligent astrophysicists who told us the universe started with a big bang (I've seen the proof and it's as flimsy as a hookers underwear) and that this happened 13.7 billion years ago. Now they are happy to tell us that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light so how do they explain the fact that they found a star system over 20 billion light years away. Easy, they make up some new theory that things did expand faster at the beginning of time in some strange bullshit made up expanding hot air bollocks event due to stupidity and ego theory.
So in summary
The Koreans are having a tiff and that makes us all nervous because one has nuclear bombs,
Ireland has spent all its pocket money and has asked it's parents to buy it more chocolate,
Britain has maxed out its credit card and now can't buy a new sofa every month,
FIFA is a bunch of self righteous thieves and the world cup is going to Russia, Blatter said so,
People have no real idea about global warming they are basically guessing,
Space geeks aren't quite as clever as they thought they were and girls like muscle better,
And snow is fun but not quite as important as the other stuff.
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