Okay Christmas is over and so we enter January. January is not exactly the most fun month of the year. It's the month of huge credit card bills, crap weather and stroppy people with way too much on their mind. If you're going to have a barney with the other half then this is when it's likely to happen, if you don't want to get into one of those pointless arguments then please heed some of the points below, they aren't the be-all and end-all, but after 25 years of dodging argumentative better halves these are some of the obvious things that we completely forget when the red mist descends.
Women listen to what you are saying and remember everything that can be used in evidence against you. Where you store football stats they store argument ammo. Never get suckered into saying "O yeah when was that then?" They know exactly when including every detail right down to what you were wearing and what else you forgot that day.
When a man says yes he just means yes, nothing more nothing less. Ladies if you want a job done a certain way and at a certain time then you need to stipulate this in the official negotiations. As I've mentioned before men can't read minds, they are too busy thinking about sex.
If you don't follow the rules above then you doing the job yourself is against said rules and does give his royal highness the morale high ground. Men like rules, it makes them feel as clever as women.
Men keep score and yes, everything is a game with winners and more importantly losers.
Flowers don't cure everything, but it's as close as you can get without spending more than £450. There are some rules to flowers and they are very important to remember. Firstly never skimp on cheap flowers. A crap bouquet makes it look like you just rushed out to Tesco because you forgot again. Secondly never give flowers to soften bad news, this will make her suspicious every time you give flowers and negates their 'in her good-books' bonus affect. And lastly flowers aren't foreplay, you still have to make a bit of an effort. Think of them as a good start.
Men will answer the question you just asked not the one that's coming next or the question you wanted to ask, but didn't want to hear the answer to.
If the bed clothes have just been changed then sex is out of the question, flowers may help, but the chances are still slim. First use of the fresh clean bed is her right, you got peeing standing up. On a positive note this will be classed as a non detrimental PlayStation night and can't be used against you at a later time.
When women speak about shoes, substitute the word need for the word want and pretend you're talking about a new 50" widescreen TV, it will make much more sense then.
Highest scores aren't sexy, they just mean you've wasted time that could have been better utilised doing jobs you knew nothing about unless you'd asked, which by the way you should have done last week.
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
When a women says she has nothing to wear any comment regarding the size of the wardrobe and the mountain of items hanging in them is highly inadvisable and any follow-on action you receive by way of punishment is your own fault, you should have known better. This is a highly dangerous situation with just about every answer you give being the wrong one. I have listed some possible answers and the likely responses below
How about that dress I bought you?
No it's a size too small, it makes me look fat!
What about the dress you wore last week?
Really, last week, do you hate me that much now, it's because I'm fat isn't it?
How about something loose fitting and comfortable
What, are you saying I'm fat?
How about that little black number?
I can't fit in it at the moment, I've eaten too much at Christmas and it's not killer whale size you idiot!
I'm happy with you in anything babe?
So you don't care that I look fat?
I love you the way you are
What, fat!
I love you!
Even though I'm fat
*silence*
You used to care when I wasn't so fat
Basically you're screwed, she's in a mood anyway so just take the punishment like a grown up your strop won't help, man up and move on.
So just remember, both of you, that what you say and what you hear isn't the same as what they said or what they meant. The truth is somewhere in the middle but, if in doubt, she was right.
Mike you've already got 8 followers, the writings clever and humorous, you need to monetise your blog and start earning money from it - it's all free, all you have to do is post every now and then and get people coming back. Maybe set up a counter in the first instance and see how many hits you get and if you're being followed and getting around 100 or so views a week you should be okay for Google to have you run adverts on your blog.
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