They say it's as obvious as the nose on your face but sometimes the truth is easy to miss because you were too busy doing something more fun at the time. Below are some of those things that you know are true but have never taken the time to actually think about. Please remember that these are generalisations so while they may not apply to you (yes they do you just can't admit it) they will be applicable to most of the others.
Men are simple creatures, if you want the washing up done just ask, don't ask if we have anything planned later or some shit like that. Another thing, just because you left it on the stairs that doesn't mean we know you want it taken up them. We can't read your minds ladies, you are way too complicated.
Boasting about your dishwasher stacking skills or your highest snooker break does not excite the opposite sex, your wife humours you because you fathered her children.
This usually applies to any fishing related story as well.
Men would like to look like George Clooney rather than George Foreman. People don't want to be fat they just can't say no to pies and beer. Being massively overweight is just a middle aged man's admission that the only way to get sex from now on is to pay for it.
Yes for the 14th time you had to be there for it to be funny and if I had to be there then the story is just a waste of 53 seconds of my life.
The next time you can't understand why the wife doesn't want to have sex again, call up your 18 stone, big boned, grey haired balding mate and get him to come round and lie on you, wiggle around a bit and lick your face for 107 seconds. See how that makes you feel? Hint - go to the gym. And those favourite trousers that you wear around the house all the time need to go in the bin.
Comfortable means less sex.
Women need to feel loved and appreciated. They want to feel a warm glow that comes from a partner that will protect and provide for them while always being there to listen and support them emotionally. Women like to feel secure and feel the attention of a considerate soul mate. Men just need to feel your lips around his cock.
Listening does involve actually putting your paper down and looking at the person that is talking to you. This is important if you don't want your toothbrush accidentally dropped in the toilet without your knowledge again.
Always use your partners toothbrush.
Thrusting your groin into the small of a woman's back isn't foreplay. This truth is suspended for a single 2 week period per year but this exclusion only applies to those at a holiday destination. This period starts as soon as you enter any airport terminal and ends when the 14 days are up or when you spend your last Euro.
If you keep voting then Simon Cowell will keep making this rubbish.
Being famous doesn't make you a good role model, it just means you sell more magazines.
All tattoos look shit on wrinkly skin.
Throughout history when people didn't understand they just blamed God. He seems to be less in demand these days that's all.
Intelligent design is complete rubbish, if God designed us in His own image then please explain Bella Emberg and what a hiccup is for?
Sin feels good straight away, the benefits from being nice can't usually be spent at Marks & Spencers.
The bible isn't a factual historical guide to the early years of mankind, it's a group of stories, tales and fables passed down by word of mouth around campfires over many decades. After a while people got bored of remembering stuff so they wrote it down for safe keeping. How am I sure it's not factually accurate? 2 reasons. 1 History is written by the victors and they always over egg it and 2. Have you ever played Chinese whispers?
And finally, you can't disprove that God didn't create the universe in a week in the same way that scientists can't seem to agree on their version of events. You might want to start being nice to others and at least hedge your bets.
Merry Christmas
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