Einstein these aren't the droids you're looking for

Well in the words of the most famous scientist of all time Montgomery Scott "you canna change the laws of physics Jim!" When these words are uttered in 250 years time you will hope that by then we will have got our shit together because at the moment, apparently you can change them on a regular basis and apparently getting them wrong is actually more exciting then getting them right. Well at the moment the science types are getting a lot of air time because some Bozo and his mate Charlie Higson are having a dog party or some crazy stuff like that. Anyway they're getting excited because they have either found some tiny piece of almost nothing that is really important when you do maths with letters, OR they've wasted the last 50 years looking for something that was made up in a cider fuelled spin the bottle party when Robert Brout told Peter Higgs he had either insert the bottle in his anus or make up a law based on something no one could prove was wrong.

So in light of all that science and stuff  and following on from my bible the shortened version I've compiled my Big Science using Small Words.

So let's start at the beginning...

The big bang - the beginning of the universe. There was nothing and an instant later everything existed. Imagine a cheap magician making a dove appear from under a handkerchief, but it's a really big handkerchief. The scientists reckon this happened in the blink of an eye which just seems like one up manship on the Christians who believe God took 6 days. The big bang is technically classed as our best guess, but as no one had tickets for the event we can't be sure what actually happened.

The speed of light - the clue is in the name and it's hair straightingly fast, seriously moving, the numbers are pointlessly big. It took Man around 4 days to travel to the Moon and they were motoring, going faster than anything before or since. It takes light about 1.2 seconds to make the trip. Nothing can travel faster than this speed cos Einstein said so, apparently little pieces of stuff fired across Europe this year weren't listening and they seem to have broken the speed limit. They are either very naughty or the scientist didn't count properly.

The Universe - aka everything, the whole shooting match. Age around 16 billion years if you wear a lab coat or less than 6000 years if you're Jewish. Now I'm no expert but I reckon one is much closer than the other and I'm going for the ones that don't believe Noah got 2 of every animal onto just one boat. Size is classified as flipping gigantic, even larger than Simon Cowell's bank balance. Basically so big we haven't got a clue, so every couple of years we increase our guess, but frankly its a whopper.

A Star - Our sun is a star and a star is really just a massive pile of stuff crammed into a really small space. It's like taking everything you own and stuffing it all in your ear. There is so much stuff all close together that the pressure makes it catch on fire. It's like when you stop your wife from buying shoes. The pressure builds up so much that eventually she blows her top at you and then smolders about it for ages. The sun has got the hump and this cob on will last for around 8 billion years, slightly less than the average married woman.

Super Nova - This is a star that has exploded. Imagine the wife just after the whole shoes thing and just as she's in full melt down you tell her you slept with her sister. This is a super nova, only the biggest suns go out like this, most just get over it and calm down. These go out in a blaze of glory, so remember never upset a fat bird, the damage could be immense.

Black Hole - This is a star that is so heavy and so dense that nothing not even light can escape its gravity and everything gets sucked into it. It's very much like the local barmaid and her unfanthanably large GG breasts. She's definitely over 17 stone with a cleavage longer than Southend pier, you try not to look, but no matter what you do they suck you in. Black holes are pretty much the harbingers of death and destruction, but no one knows where the hole goes and frankly who cares, but I bet the neighbours are horrible.

Dark Matter - a few years back some geek type decided to calculate the weight of the entire universe, obviously a slow day on World of Warcraft. He found that it was a lot lot lighter than it should have been, in fact they couldn't account for 83% of everything! So they decided there was this stuff, that you can't see, measure or detect and it was in the holes in all the normal stuff like arses and muffin tops. This may have caused the current obesity problem. The brainiacs also suggested that this was why they couldn't get their sums right on gravity as well. How convenient.

Dark Energy - Now all the physics types were happy that the big bang guess thing was right. Everyone thought the biggest explosion of all time would, like all other exploding type events started off big and loud and get less powerful and slowed down as time went on? Well when the uber-geeks found out that the the opposite was happening they shit a brick. So they decided there must be something out there mucking up their sums again. Queue dark energy and, guess what, it can't be seen or detected in anyway. I see a pattern forming here and it's a bit fishy.

The Higgs Boson - This is a tiny weeny particle that doesn't do much but if we can find it then all the scientists can say 'I told you so'. This is the main reason we've been smashing stuff into each other in a mountain in France. If not found soon the clever crew will have to start their blah blah from scratch and we'll be asking for our £25 billion back.

The Higgs Field - This is basically the force, but without the ability to lift heavy rocks or influence storm troopers. Scientists decided that none of their other guesses, sorry theories worked without some new force that gave everything mass. So the next time you are on the scales and you're concerned about the mass in your trousers its Mr Boson's fault not those 4 chocolate eclairs.

Warp Factor 10 - This is a myth and not even achievable by 25th century technology. If Scotty couldn't do it then no one can, not even the black dude with the air filter stuck to his head can nail this baby.

So as you see there's a lot of guess work, theories and predictions in all this supposed scientific knowledge and believing in it takes a leap of faith which is very similar to being a devout believer in one of less than credible mainstream religions. Just goes to show you can't always trust a man who dresses funny and says the truth is in his book.