Who you Poking?

Sometime last year I suggested that America was a good idea that's got out of hand and after reading back the blog I do stand by those comments and just about all the slightly witty comments that came after it but I'd like to use that same turn of phrase again as I think I've found something even more out of hand and I didn't want anyone to think I was just churning out the same stuff as no one was likely to read the older post anytime soon.

For me Facebook is the new mac daddy, a very very good idea that has got monumentally out of hand. For me it's become very much like the X Factor, it's a massive phenomenon that is 95% complete crap with 5% of entertainment and informative insight lightly sprinkled throughout its entirety in a beautifully subtle way that forces you to wade waist deep in the cesspool of dross and mediocre scum for the small gems of exquisite beauty. Then at the end we all send in our text and Simon Cowell orders another Bentley.

Facebook is great to keep in touch and let people who you can't always contact know important events. I like the fact that you can post nice pictures of this and that, chat to your friends online while not running up a monstrous phone bill, plan get togethers and generally be social without having to make that much effort. Also having loads of "Friends", I'm doing that stupid finger quotation mark thingy, makes us feel good, even if you would only send 3% of them a birthday card. This basically covers the 5%, let's move swiftly on to the remainder.

The 95% can be split into 4 main categories

1. The Bored as hell
2. The Lonely Heart Plea
3. The Bandwagon
4. The Strop

Bored as hell
These are the posts that are posted by people who are either bored and have decided that another 5 more minutes of masturbation this week could cause permanent blindness or who really think we care about what little Johnny did at breakfast this morning. We know that morning TV is shit, we know that dogs are stupid, we fully appreciate that the weather can sometimes be bad and frankly we don't care that your little ray of sunshine is so cute today. Everyone has to walk their dog, we all go to the shops and yes I get tired as well and sometimes like to go to bed early. The same team that was shit today will be shit again some time in the future and yes you told us so.  Just because you own an iphone it doesn't have to be on facebook all day long and you don't have to type messages all day long, get a life.

The Lonely Heart Plea
These beauties are often the follow on from the bored posts as highlighted above. For some reason people seem to think they need to be told repeatedly how nice they are and they measure their popularity and standing in society by how many people speak to them on Facebook and the frequency of said communication. If they haven't been spoken to for a while (I'm using the word while loosely here as it differs from seconds to maybe whole minutes for some), you get the classic "Sad today!!!" or "Is it me???". Nearly always multiple punctuation for affect. I've got a good idea, if you are actually feeling down in the dumps why don't you use your posh phone to ring one of your real friends and have a proper chat, you'll almost certainly feel better for it. It takes just about 0 effort for people to type a naff 6 word comment and you'll get about 9 seconds of comfort from it. As I've said nearly all of your cyber friends won't pay bugger all attention to the post as most of them are just there because you want more friends than the rest of the mum's on the school run. I bet you don't like at least 20 of them.

The Bandwagon
These little gems just show how little we think for ourselves and just how sheep-like we can be. We all love a bandwagon and we wouldn't want to be left out would we. Why O why do we just spout out the same old crap just because 17 other people have, surely it must be true because all my mates say it is. Christ if this carries on we'll start burning witches again. I read it on Facebook so it must be true. RIP Joe Bloggs whoever you might be. I'm pretty sure you won't get bad luck if you don't look at this picture of a shamrock and pass it on to all your friends and I''m sure there is no scientific proof that happiness comes from me passing on this picture of a rose. Please ignore this rubbish and do something constructive with your 9 year old son who you have left on the PS3 playing Call of Duty.

The Strop
My absolute favourite, someone's done something you don't like so rather than say something to them or face the situation like an adult you post a cryptic post that half tells the story. This gets others to contact you so you can tell them the almost full story so it gets passed around maybe even to the other person who will then feel bad and all the while your conscience remains clear. Sometimes these strops are complete flannel, when you ask the person what's up they say it was nothing at all. Why post it then you pratt? Sometimes you even get the double bluff. You ask what's the matter, they say nothing really, then later you find out that they were really cross but you weren't friends enough for them to tell you. Fuck off you annoying dickheads. If you post it we are all programmed to respond so at least back it up or leave it unsaid.


Real friendship is a beautiful thing that isn't played out on Facebook. You don't judge the quality of your existence by the number of Facebook friends you have or the number of twitter followers you possess. Just because you can be on facebook doesn't mean you have to be. Honestly you can go a whole day without someone paying you a compliment, you are the same person today as you was yesterday, you didn't become a hunchbacked social misfit overnight. Friends are few but acquaintances are many. William Maugham wrote ,

When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character.

And finally would Facebook stop sending me all those bloody emails, it's really annoying.