So we run full steam into November and being British the most important thing now and always is the weather. It’s got rather cold and that means my whole early morning routine has gone out the window. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t mind mornings, I don’t like them per say, but as long as I have my routine and everyone stays in bed or out of my way then I’m happy enough. For the past 8 months things have been ticking along quite nicely, but now things have definitely gone to pot.
The clocks changing was fine I could handle a little more light, but the cold is all together different. There is nothing worse than having to get out of a lovely warm bed and into an ice cube of a bedroom. The problem is the wife loves our warm bed and spends a lot of time in it, but she doesn’t like to get too hot?? So what to do?
As the temperature had dropped appreciably the Central Heating Utilisation Management Steering group held its first meeting and as with all joint home decision making apparatus it’s made up of two groups, those with the power and the men. The men wasted a lot of time in debate before agreeing with the non men in the group that they were right again and that whatever the women wanted was obviously the best solution.
Now I’d like to clarify here and now that there are certain truths in this world that are universal and no matter what arguments are put forward, by men, they will remain constant until the end of time or until we somehow manage to introduce a third gender into society that everyone can blame. Men need women for a whole stack of stuff, some too obvious to mention, some are painfully apparent when the wife spends more than 18 hours away from home. Women basically need men for heavy lifting and going downstairs for strange noises in the night and not a lot else. If women went on strike society would crumble in a matter of days. If men went on strike the main issue would be no car tyres would get changed. A general female strike would be catastrophic, the chain of events would be like so
Day 1 (9:00am)
Global removal of all carnal privileges, tensions rise in all areas around the globe, especially the Middle East . Life in a refugee camp on the West Bank is hard enough, take away nookie and well you’ve got a powder keg on your hands. Diplomatic efforts around the world begin to experience problems.
Day 1 (noon)
Fast food outlets and supermarkets experience a massive spike in demand for hot food and cut sandwiches as packed lunches are found to be empty. Men turn to kebabs without a beer starter. A general malaise begins as the increase in fat and salt in our diets causes bloating and bowel issues. Toilet paper supplies come under pressure.
Day 1 (3:00pm)
Phone networks start to fail as schools find thousands of kids uncollected from the play ground and start ringing their emergency contact numbers. In a desperate bid to manage this crisis Police are dispatched to all schools to handle the control of hyper children as many of the teachers leave their posts in an attempt to collect their own young ones.
Day 1 (4:00pm)
With no one walking home from school the number of cars on the roads steadily grows, this is then compounded as a large proportion of working men leave work early in a frantic effort to reach their kid’s school. As tension rises so does the accident levels causing grid lock all over the country. With very few Police on hand these accidents remain unmanaged and tailbacks reach record proportions. Those fake motorway policemen are hounded into hiding and all accident investigations are suspended.
Day 1 (8:00pm)
Road congestion starts to ease slightly, but with no home cooking in sight McDonalds everywhere start to run out of food. Congestion begins to climb again. The McDonald's collapse causes a chain reaction and a systematic failure of one fast food chain after another until the only place selling hot food is the Nut & Tofu Parlour on Kensington Boulevard.
Day 1 (11:00pm)
Breaking news the government announces all school and colleges will be closed until the resolution of the women’s general strike. Men everywhere start to face the fact that they will have to entertain their kids for days to come. Tension grows more acute and hospital admissions start to rise.
Day 2 (2:00am)
Men are still stranded on the road and local councils everywhere are forced to start setting up crisis centres and places to sleep all around the major road arteries. A sense of community starts to grow as men everywhere start to take on the parental control for families in their street with fathers stuck in the road chaos. This is short lived as it starts to damn on them that they will have to start watching Ben 10 rather than babe station. Hypertension, stress levels and heart conditions are exacerbated and the hospitals and doctors start to come under renewed pressure.
Day 2 (6:00am)
Absence rates and impromptu holidays reach record proportions as the child minding sector completely breaks down. Businesses are crippled and the supermarkets start to experience panic buying, with the focus on ready meals, chocolate and pot noodles. Roads remain impassable and all McDonalds remain shut.
Day 2 (10:00am)
The stock market starts to crash with the focus on the retail sector. Costa shares see 75% fall along with all the coffee producers as no women are out after the school run and no one has time to nip out of work for a skinny latte. All clothing retailers take a hit especially the shoe shops. Card shop stocks also take a pounding as the realisation dawns that men never remember birthdays kicks in.
Day 2 (noon)
Paper manufacturers and all companies relating to wrapping paper, cards, bows and those posh present bags start to see their share values tumble. IKEA announces the closure of nearly all its branches. The only sector to be up are the florists and flower growers, people are anticipating a lot of making up to do. Pubs start to fill as thousands of men attempt to drown out the pain. Beer gardens come under extreme juvenile pressure.
Day 2 (2:00pm)
Banking stocks also come under sustained pressure as home budgets are ignored and men start paying £14 for a hot dog because the only place they can get food is the cinemas. All transport networks fail; no beer is delivered to the pubs, all sporting events are cancelled until the foreseeable future. Credit card companies start to panic and credit facilities are withdrawn, the whole banking sector starts to implode. The army is called onto the streets as rioting breaks out outside Warner Brothers and the smaller branches of LIDL.
Day 2 (5:00pm)
Western civilisation starts to completely fail, no food in the shops except for pine nuts and star fruit, money markets suspended, hospitals full, Police and Army on the streets, anarchy through out the land, no beer in the pubs, nothing to watch on TV, basically a complete shit tip. Cut to the White House. Barack Obama is playing with his little ones in the oval office while trying to work. The Israeli prime minister is on the phone and things are getting stressed. Mr O doesn't see little fingers playing with his special key and big red button and before you can say intercontinental ballistic missile we just became a foot note in history and all this just because I wanted the Thermostat turned up 2 degrees so I don't freeze my butt off in the mornings.
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