So Thursday was my eldest sons 9th birthday and as always it's up at the crack of sparrows for team us. You can't blame the poor fellow I think if we would have made him stay in bed much longer we would have had the return of spontaneous human combustion. Isn't it amazing that since science has become so much more sophisticated all the cases of people just blowing up because they felt like it have stopped. Funny that, I seem to remember as a kid a whole host of S.H.C (I'm not typing that every time) occurrences. It was either that or the latest person to be linked to being Jack the Ripper. Now the discovery channel is the fountain of all knowledge and the world seems to revolve around Nazi, Mummies and sharks. But I can just picture the scene.
"So what happened here then?"
"Well officer we were just sitting reading the Alabama Gazette when poor Humphrey here just burst into flames!"
"Now that is strange, what was he doing when this..... event occurred?" *flipping open his small black note book*
"Well funny you should ask that, we were discussing if we could still afford all the life insurance cover we have running at the moment."
"Did he need a lot of cover then?"
"Yes, officer, he did. He often brought his work home with him, he was a very hard worker you know. We have 6 kids to feed along with my rather substantial heroine addiction."
"And what line of work did poor Mr Oppenheimer do?"
"Gasoline salesman."
"and what exactly happened next madam?"
"well all of a sudden he just burst into flames without even a word of warning, he's burned a hole in the new rug."
"I see and did he often sit with his head in the fire?"
"Well he did feel the cold officer, even in August."
" Right, everything seems in order here Bob I think it's back to the station for a spot of lunch. We'll let the local university know we've got another human torch. Good day madam."
Yep S.H.C is just about as believable as all those UFO abductions stories that all seemed to happen in America, strange how they mostly visit the middle of no where Arizona or back water arse end ville Tennessee. If I was an alien I'd be going to Niagara falls or checking out the night life in New York. But anyway the birthday went really well except for a few tearful moments from son number 2. It's always tough on kids when someone else has a birthday because unlike Christmas the other one gets a bit left out and just has to sit and watch. So it was presents in the morning followed by school then more presents in the evening interspersed with a generous helping of cakes and scones. Over tired kids going to bed late and knackered parents going to bed early.
I'm sure I didn't really need the spin class with the wife in the morning. Now I enjoy the class but I always leave the studio feeling a bit cheated. The instructor keeps telling us about these hills and rolling scenery we are cycling through, the mountain climbs, fast descents and the crowds at the finishing line, but I have to spend the whole session looking at the same 2 sweaty bum cracks. I'm going at the front next time.
Friday was the morning after the day before and the whole lot of us were a little cranky. It was bonfire night so we all looked forward to the chance to stand out in the rain, get soaked and watch a pyromaniac have his one day of sexual relief for the year. Why did Mr Fawkes try and blow up the king in November, why couldn't he have done it May, no wonder they got caught, crap idea, poorly executed with no legacy planning. Anyway the weather report was particularly bad and optimism was low, we were going to get wet. Now my wife is lovely and her scones and coconut cakes are to die for, but there are times when her mood can be, how do they say it, a trifle black. Now there are always three prime indicators to one of these unhappiness's. 1-being hungry, 2-being cold and 3-tiredness. Any combination of 2 of these is a challenge, but if you get a triple whammy then back away from explosive device. Well a November evening, in the rain after the birthday the day before was not a great combo especially as add to that 2 boys who has just had their first Karate class after 2 days of cross country and had a present and cake fuelled late night the day before. The concoction was more explosive then at least half of the fireworks set for release that evening. But all in all it wasn't too bad and I'm sure we will do it again next year.
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